When STALKER met Romantically Apocalyptic
by Portuguese Irish
Summary: Because Pilot and the snorks are quite similar. And Snippy would surely like the anomalies of the Zone. And I'm sure Engie and Prof. Kruglov would like to talk to each other. And how dare you to praise the Monolith, praise Captain instead!


**Author's note: **so the other day I was playing S.T.A.L.K.E.R. when a wild snork appeared. After the game I checked for Romantically Apocalyptic updates. Then I thought Pilot from Romantically Apocalyptic and the snorks from S.T.A.L.K.E.R. are quite smiliar.

I wonder if snorks are Pilot's and Captain's babies.

So I started sketching a random comic to post on my deviantart account.

And finally I thought 'Must write some crap and spam the Internet with this.' To accomplish my purpose, I picked up Mikhail, 'my' snork from my S.T.A.L.K.E.R. fanfiction, because Mikhail is a boss and Pilot is another boss, and a boss needs a boss to do something great and outstanding... like pester Snippy.

* * *

Pineapples are our enemy.

Pineapples are bad for balloons.

Therefore, pineapples must be destroyed.

And that was Pilot's mission.

The green eyed aviator was crouching behind a burned car. A sharp katana shone on his hand. A few meters away, among many radioactive fruits of what had once been a greengrocer's, laid a pineapple. And maybe there were more inside the shop. Waiting for clueless and innocent red balloons.

Pilot let out his battle cry and leaped at the pineapple.

Something growled at his right and leaped at him. Pilot felt he was falling over his left side, the katana raised above his head and something pressing on his right side. He let out a 'noooooooooooo!' as the pineapple escaped with life.

He fell on the ground and slid on the dirt. The thing that had sabotaged him rolled over him, crouched and growled again.

Pilot shook his head and stood up with ninja-like speed, katana in hand, and looked at the thing that had saved the pineapple.

It was small and stood aggressively on all fours, dressed in a military uniform and combat boots. Its skin was greyish, covered in scars, and on its head wore the remains of a GP-4 gas mask. Its mouth had no lips and grinned wildly to the green eyed pilot. Nevertheless, it had a human body.

Pilot lowered his katana.

The pineapple-saviour grew silent.

They looked at each other, curious. Pilot scratched his head and the creature tilted its.

They weren't that different from each other!

Pilot frowned:

'What are you? What is your name? What is your purpose in Captania?', he asked. The creature just snarled and grumbled. Then, slowly, it crawled on fours to Pilot and smelled him, 'I'm Pilot, Captain calls me Pilot, so that's what I am!'.

The creature couldn't care less. But that new finding was indeed interesting! The crouching creature grabbed the Pilot's wrists and hauled itself up, smelling Pilot's neck and mask.

They looked at each other again and the aviator thought the creature cute:

'Do you want to be my friend?', he asked and, not waiting for an answer, shook his wrists free and hugged the strange but cute creature, 'You'll be a friend for Photoshop!'

The creature grumbled something but enjoyed the hug. Yeah, that green eyed thing was nice.

And that was how the pineapple's life was spared. At least for a while...

During the rest of the day all Pilot did was hugging his new friend. He wasn't grumpy like Snippy, he wasn't ugly like Engie, he wasn't treacherous like Mr. Kittyhawk and he enjoyed his hugs, unlike Photoshop, who after a while would grow tired and leave.

That creature just stood there, snuggling into his chest and purring in a creepy way. Pilot found a dog chart around his new friend's neck that looked like the one he had once found around his neck. But while his said a boobery like 'C.P. Hatchenson - DEX-M unit 966912', the creature's said 'Mikhail', and all the rest was unreadable.

* * *

Captain was most pleased in having a new minion and a friend for Photoshop. Snippy wanted to shoot the creature down. Engie fainted. Mr. Kittyhawk was nowhere to be seen.

Pilot was really happy about his cuddly friend. And he was really his friend, because he didn't let the others touch him:

'You are my special friend...', the green eyed man mumbled before falling asleep. The creature grunted something back. They slept in the floor, Captain covered them with a blanket before leaving to his glorious and mighty chambers. Engie and Snippy were still eating dinner and the Russian man dragged himself closer:

'Kill it now!', he begged the sniper. But Snippy shook his head:

'Leave it, Pilot will surely grow tired of it or it will end inside a big mutant's stomach.', he replayed.

But Pilot didn't grow tired of his snuggly friend. Nor did Mikhail end up inside a big mutant's stomach. In fact, the little bastard was a hell of a fighter and his wounds would heal in one day, after the creature had licked them.

Hence, Engie began to think the creature useful and quite fascinating. But everytime he tried to get close, Pilot's new friend would bite him, kick him, scratch him, and with time Gromov learned to admire the wonders of nature at a safe distance.

Only Snippy didn't like that crawling-leaping-growling weirdo. But at least now Pilot had a little friend to play with and didn't plot against him anymore.

Or so thought the sniper.

Because some time after adopting his new friend, Pilot decided he could train the sometimes fierce, sometimes sweet creature to help him with his missions.

* * *

So Pilot trained the mutant to track down pineapples and kill them. And together they slaughtered every single pineapple of Captania. Then the green eyed man trained the creature to track down flying machines, and every week Captain was given a new one because 4 eyes and 2 noses search and find better than only 2 eyes and a nose.

And every week Snippy had to try the flying machine, much for Engie's amusement.

And every week the blue eyed sniper would end up in a difficult situation because the flying machine didn't work at all.

So Snippy started to sabotage the flying machines, uncounsciously declaring open war on Pilot, who decided to train his loyal companion to track down snippy-snipers and destroy them.

Pilot's training consisted of telling the mutant to attack old and ugly and smelly shoes with a poor draw of Snippy glued to them. The crouching creature was pretty clever and didnt't take long to understand that 'shoe' meant 'sniper'. For Pilot's joy, every single shoe that crossed the mutant's way was easily destroyed with a single bite.

But the grinning mutant was also sensitive enough to understand that Pilot didn't really want the blue eyed sniper to be completely destroyed. It was just a childish whim to gain the attention of the purple-eyed guy, seemed he meant a lot for the pilot.

And as long Pilot was happy, Mikhail was happy too.

* * *

There was a day Pilot and his little friend found a wooden rocking horse. It was a bit degraded, but Pilot painted it in black and purple and tied balloons to it. His dear friend trotted to him with a small pipe between his teeth and the green eyed man glued it to the horse's forehead:

'Mein minion and his personal minion found me a flying unicorn!', Captain sang happily when Pilot brought him the new flying device. Engie and Snippy were standing next to Captain:

'Not bad, don't you think?', the Russian man asked, 'I think Pilot is evoluting thanks to Mikhail.', since Engie had heard Pilot call the creature by the name, he had grown even more supportive of the new mutated pet:

'Do you want to try that?', the sniper mumbled. Engie shook his head, 'Yeah, I thought so.'

Captain turned around to face Snippy and clapped his hands:

'Mein snippy-sniper, tomorrow you'll test the glorious steed, ja?'

Snippy sighed; once he had answered 'nein!', but Captain had been so flattered that had made the sniper try the flying machine in the same moment.

Anyway, the blue eyed sniper shrugged. He just had to get rid of the balloons and problem solved.

* * *

Their current base was an office building. The first floor of what once had been an insurance company. They were using the small cabinets as bedrooms and the flying unicorn was proudly exposed in the bigger cabinet.

Carefuly and carrying only a small pocketknife, Snippy left his room and sneaked into the 'stable', as Captain had called the gabinet. He had even left a green radioactive apple for his unicorn.

The 'stable' was dark. There was a window with broken and dusty glass, and the weak moonlight couldn't do much against it. And there was the rocking horse tied to all those annoying balloons. Snippy just needed to untie and lead them to the nearest opening. That window would do it great.

However, as the sniper closed the half-door after him, he noticed two icy blue balls glowing weakly in the dark. And before he could even think 'bwah!', Pilot's creature had leaped at him and threw him to the ground:

'PILOT!', Snippy called angryly when the creature approached his grinning face to the sniper's neck, growling, a mocking shine on his dead glowing eyes.

And from that night on Mikhail's favorite hobby, besides playing with Pilot, was praking the sniper. Because Snippy was ridiculously easy to throw to the ground and he would make a really funny face when feeling angry.

* * *

**Wee, review?**


End file.
